Memories

I've been thinking a good bit about the people that used to mean a lot to me I haven't seen in forever. The girl I had a crush on for all of Elementary school. My best friend in Middle school who stopped talking to me at the end of seventh grade because I was an idiot. Friends who moved, or grew in different directions. I still care about all these people, and am curious about what's going on in their lives. I want to reach out, because this is my last opportunity. No way once we go to college anyone will ever want to go back in time. But that might be true now. I guess what I really care about is whether I'll have regrets or not. I've done a lot of things in my life differently from most people, but I have very few regrets. I just want to keep it that way.

The Best Friend

Yesterday I told my best friend how much I cared about her. I met the only girl I've ever loved at the beginning of high school, and we dated until our senior year. I'm going to college out west, she's going out east. We didn't think we had a future so we quit before we had any more past. I met my best friend at the beginning of sophomore year. She's been there for me the past year like nobody else could. If I had met her first, then maybe everything would have been switched around. My whole life could have gone in a completely different direction if someone had switched me out of one class and into another.
She had a boyfriend the whole time I had a girlfriend, and we were both truly in love with our significant others. And then we both quit for the same reasons. But we didn't find our way to each other. I like her so much, and I wish things could have worked out. But she's never felt the same about me, so I didn't tell her until we had three weeks left. I did it because I didn't want to have any more regrets, but it didn't make a difference. There wasn't a chance for us six months ago, there isn't one now, and there wouldn't be one if I never told her. So I'm just glad I got a chance to enjoy these six months learning that I could care for someone else, and being able to just have someone, even if it's not special. I have no regrets. And I guess that's why it didn't hurt when she told me she had already known, and didn't feel the same way.

Three Weeks

Three weeks until I leave for college. It's been my number one goal for the past year, and what everything I've done has revolved around. But now that it's almost here, I have all these feelings I can't figure out. I don't feel extremely scared or nervous when I think about it, but I have nervous feelings like I am scared. Does that make sense? I don't get panicky thinking about it, but my stomach has butterflies. I am so done with this town, but I don't know how I'll handle leaving it. I'm not sure what it is, but I feel like I want to stay. But I don't know what for. My parents and I have been getting a long off and on, but they weren't there for me when I needed them most this year, and I don't know how to just let it go. I know they've given me so much, and given up so much to give it to me, but it doesn't disguise the fact that I don't like them that much, and I don't want to be around people who act like they did. I've never been one for doing something just because you're supposed to or everyone else does, and that includes being around people I don't want to. I'll miss them for the safety net they give, but the freedom I have to learn and grow will be more than worth it. I'm also leaving the only girl I've ever loved, but we cut ties long ago and all I've done in the year since is deeply regret it. Getting away from that should make me happy, and in my head it does. But no matter how hurt or depressed I've been, leaving the place where it all happened and where she will be still kills me. I've cut ties with pretty much everyone here, and I don't have a lot of fond memories of recent times, from working a job I haven't enjoyed to being harassed at school when I went. I appreciate what I've gone through, but I am so ready for my life to move on. Why do I not feel that way? Three weeks to find my answer.