Finally Moved On

            I think I’m finally completely over Claire. Between having my heart ripped out and shown to me at the beginning of the summer, and then falling for Allie, there just wasn’t any room to hold on anymore. I’m still not sure if I feel it was a good experience and I’m glad it happened, but thinking about her doesn’t make me sad anymore. I matured a lot when I was with her, and a lot of it because of her, so in the end I did come up ahead. I hope she did too. I still care a lot about her, and she’ll always be my first love. I wonder if I’ll look her up in the future, and find out what happened to her. Or if I’ll always be too scared of loving her. Or if I’ll be able to get to the point where I’ll appreciate the experience, but be able to let go of the personal aspects. I did really enjoy getting closure with Emma, but I already have as much closure as I need with Claire. I was also interested to see how high school turned out for Emma, and I think seeing how the rest of Claire’s life turns out would be interesting, and I would care about it too. But I care more about Claire than Emma, and with how hard it is for me to let go of feelings seeing the person I’ve had the strongest feelings for might not be the best thing for me. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see how life goes. Maybe once I meet my wife none of this will matter to me anymore. 

I left

               Well I’m on the plane… not really sure what I’m feeling. A little empty, a little nauseous, a little scared. Not a lot of excitement really. I think it’ll be better once I’m there, and I’m seeing people I want to meet and things I want to do. I am excited for classes, and to learn things again. The only thing I’m worried about now is a job, and I know I can always get a good enough one. But I’d really like to get a job I can learn and grow in and that will challenge me and also pay a good bit. But at least that’s up to me. I have control of my life, and that’s what is most important to me. I just want to stay focused, and do well in school and life. My goal this year is to make sure school comes first and that I always put in just a little more than the time needed.

                I’m wondering if I’ll get homesick. I obviously have wanted to leave home for a while, and even though the past few weeks that longing has gone away more, it’s still been there. I don’t really feel like there’s anyone I’ll miss. Even the friends that I still managed to care about after high school, the last time I was hanging out with all of them I just felt empty. I wonder if I’ve lost some capacity to feel. I guess I’ll find out when I’m trying to make new friends at school.