Three Weeks

I've been at college for three weeks now, and I'm depressed. I've met some cool people, don't think classes will be too much work even though they are kinda boring, and have a great paying job, but that hasn't helped. My favorite thing to do is still watch Netflix. I've been chilling out in my dorm basically all the time still. I don't know how this happened, but I honestly just don't care that much. It's so much easier for me to just go through the motions then actually try. I've been missing a lot of classes, and so I'm going to try a lot harder to go to those. I'm also going to try to get more involved, so I'm going to go join Yserve tomorrow, and hopefully that will help. I'm not sure what I'm looking for, but I hope I find it. I want to be happy again.

Finally Moved On

            I think I’m finally completely over Claire. Between having my heart ripped out and shown to me at the beginning of the summer, and then falling for Allie, there just wasn’t any room to hold on anymore. I’m still not sure if I feel it was a good experience and I’m glad it happened, but thinking about her doesn’t make me sad anymore. I matured a lot when I was with her, and a lot of it because of her, so in the end I did come up ahead. I hope she did too. I still care a lot about her, and she’ll always be my first love. I wonder if I’ll look her up in the future, and find out what happened to her. Or if I’ll always be too scared of loving her. Or if I’ll be able to get to the point where I’ll appreciate the experience, but be able to let go of the personal aspects. I did really enjoy getting closure with Emma, but I already have as much closure as I need with Claire. I was also interested to see how high school turned out for Emma, and I think seeing how the rest of Claire’s life turns out would be interesting, and I would care about it too. But I care more about Claire than Emma, and with how hard it is for me to let go of feelings seeing the person I’ve had the strongest feelings for might not be the best thing for me. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see how life goes. Maybe once I meet my wife none of this will matter to me anymore. 

I left

               Well I’m on the plane… not really sure what I’m feeling. A little empty, a little nauseous, a little scared. Not a lot of excitement really. I think it’ll be better once I’m there, and I’m seeing people I want to meet and things I want to do. I am excited for classes, and to learn things again. The only thing I’m worried about now is a job, and I know I can always get a good enough one. But I’d really like to get a job I can learn and grow in and that will challenge me and also pay a good bit. But at least that’s up to me. I have control of my life, and that’s what is most important to me. I just want to stay focused, and do well in school and life. My goal this year is to make sure school comes first and that I always put in just a little more than the time needed.

                I’m wondering if I’ll get homesick. I obviously have wanted to leave home for a while, and even though the past few weeks that longing has gone away more, it’s still been there. I don’t really feel like there’s anyone I’ll miss. Even the friends that I still managed to care about after high school, the last time I was hanging out with all of them I just felt empty. I wonder if I’ve lost some capacity to feel. I guess I’ll find out when I’m trying to make new friends at school. 

Memories

I've been thinking a good bit about the people that used to mean a lot to me I haven't seen in forever. The girl I had a crush on for all of Elementary school. My best friend in Middle school who stopped talking to me at the end of seventh grade because I was an idiot. Friends who moved, or grew in different directions. I still care about all these people, and am curious about what's going on in their lives. I want to reach out, because this is my last opportunity. No way once we go to college anyone will ever want to go back in time. But that might be true now. I guess what I really care about is whether I'll have regrets or not. I've done a lot of things in my life differently from most people, but I have very few regrets. I just want to keep it that way.

The Best Friend

Yesterday I told my best friend how much I cared about her. I met the only girl I've ever loved at the beginning of high school, and we dated until our senior year. I'm going to college out west, she's going out east. We didn't think we had a future so we quit before we had any more past. I met my best friend at the beginning of sophomore year. She's been there for me the past year like nobody else could. If I had met her first, then maybe everything would have been switched around. My whole life could have gone in a completely different direction if someone had switched me out of one class and into another.
She had a boyfriend the whole time I had a girlfriend, and we were both truly in love with our significant others. And then we both quit for the same reasons. But we didn't find our way to each other. I like her so much, and I wish things could have worked out. But she's never felt the same about me, so I didn't tell her until we had three weeks left. I did it because I didn't want to have any more regrets, but it didn't make a difference. There wasn't a chance for us six months ago, there isn't one now, and there wouldn't be one if I never told her. So I'm just glad I got a chance to enjoy these six months learning that I could care for someone else, and being able to just have someone, even if it's not special. I have no regrets. And I guess that's why it didn't hurt when she told me she had already known, and didn't feel the same way.

Three Weeks

Three weeks until I leave for college. It's been my number one goal for the past year, and what everything I've done has revolved around. But now that it's almost here, I have all these feelings I can't figure out. I don't feel extremely scared or nervous when I think about it, but I have nervous feelings like I am scared. Does that make sense? I don't get panicky thinking about it, but my stomach has butterflies. I am so done with this town, but I don't know how I'll handle leaving it. I'm not sure what it is, but I feel like I want to stay. But I don't know what for. My parents and I have been getting a long off and on, but they weren't there for me when I needed them most this year, and I don't know how to just let it go. I know they've given me so much, and given up so much to give it to me, but it doesn't disguise the fact that I don't like them that much, and I don't want to be around people who act like they did. I've never been one for doing something just because you're supposed to or everyone else does, and that includes being around people I don't want to. I'll miss them for the safety net they give, but the freedom I have to learn and grow will be more than worth it. I'm also leaving the only girl I've ever loved, but we cut ties long ago and all I've done in the year since is deeply regret it. Getting away from that should make me happy, and in my head it does. But no matter how hurt or depressed I've been, leaving the place where it all happened and where she will be still kills me. I've cut ties with pretty much everyone here, and I don't have a lot of fond memories of recent times, from working a job I haven't enjoyed to being harassed at school when I went. I appreciate what I've gone through, but I am so ready for my life to move on. Why do I not feel that way? Three weeks to find my answer.